


They Say I'm A Bad Guy

by Le_Muah



Category: Hockey RPF, Sports RPF
Genre: Bullying, M/M, New York Rangers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-21
Updated: 2013-02-21
Packaged: 2017-11-30 00:22:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/693213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Le_Muah/pseuds/Le_Muah
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's hard living a lie.</p>
            </blockquote>





	They Say I'm A Bad Guy

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know. I miss him.

People call me the bad guy. And, okay, I've made a name of being the 'bad' guy. But it's all about how you look at it. For me, I'm an ass because I need to survive in a league of even bigger assholes. The truth is, I'm not nearly as bad as I seem. Sure, I say shit, but it's nothing that hasn't been said to me and believe me, much worse has been said. 

But I really don't give a shit what people say about me. The truth is, people make me who I am on the outside because that's all they see. That's all I want them to see, to be honest. I don't need this life; the life of hockey is just a game to me. I like playing, I like the money, but I don't need it. It's not all I am or even who I am. I am Sean Avery. I was born in North York, Ontario and I play hockey. Those are things everybody knows. What they don't know is that when I was growing up, I was the one everybody picked on. I was that little faggot on the ice that everyone joked about fucking up just because he was small. What people think they know is that I'm a spoiled brat and a bully who doesn't know when to shut the fuck up.

And maybe they're right, but if they are it's their fault. I tried to be myself when I first came around and I quickly learned to act like everyone else. If I'm a bad guy, it's because if I showed them who I am, I wouldn't last a day in this life. Thick skin is more than just a word, it's a lifestyle for a guy like me. And yeah, I'm a fag. People can make all the assumptions they want and I could fuck all the girls I could get my hands on and it will never matter because my feelings will never change. No matter how hard I try.

Not the feelings I show on the ice, but the ones I keep inside. The ones that eat away at me night after night as my eyes close and I'm forced to see myself. Out on the ice, everything is fair game. That's what I was taught. So I've pushed the envelope a few times, who hasn't? Everything I've said falls flat to everything I've been through. No, that doesn't mean I have no regrets or that I've never been sorry or even said sorry, but when you've been a part of a locker room that's felt like home and all of a sudden you're beaten and bloodied because someone whispers something and then mistakes a stray stare as something it's not.

I stay because I crave the closeness. Even the forged friendships that I've created for myself; the Stockholm-like feeling of belonging somewhere after being rejected by everything else. The coach hates me and I wouldn't be surprised if my time is short here, but that doesn't bother me because it's all just a fucking game.

If this were real life, maybe I wouldn't stand for that kind of shit. Maybe I would tell him what's on my mind. Why I act out, why I snarl at him and why my knuckles are bloodied before I even get to fighting. If this were reality, I would kick his ass for even trying to call me out. But it's all a fucking game of cat and mouse. I'm the player, he's the coach and I follow his rules and pretend it's part of my agenda to please him. Outside the arena he pretends I don't exist and I sure as hell don't give him the justice of a second thought. 

The sad thing is that I spent my whole life trying to avoid being like the people I grew up with and now I'm just as bad. I'm an asshole without a cause. It stopped being hockey to me and became a challenge to piss people off the best I could. I can say all I want, but I'm just like them now. I'm the bad guy now.


End file.
